My opening blog...

So I'm an overnight stocker at a huge chain of grocery stores. It's a crappy job
but it pays well. It's somewhat depressing but it has its moments. Very little human
interaction but everyone seems to know your name somehow...
Anyway, so i'm on my way to this place once again for another 8-10 hours of work,
And i always get that little feeling in the pit of my stomach, you know the one i'm
talking about, whenever i see the huge sign of the store. Walk in, go unstairs, sit down
until it's time to clock in and oh yeah, the fun starts. So last night was a little better
than usual, the most annoying stocker we have on our crew (aka our boss) was off, so my
brother was in charge, which kinda means i'm in charge too. So we gangbanged all the ailes
(just means our whole stock team worked together all night, stocker lingo >_<) and we
actually got off at 4:30 am, when we usually get off at like 9:00 am. Like i said my
brother was in charge, so he had to wait until 6:00 am for the manager to get there.
Unfortunately we carpool...so I went out to the employee parking lot to play some
basketball. After about 10 minutes I realized I couldn't stop thinking about...well...
everything...I think too much...and sometimes I don't really know how to stop it. This
was one of those times...so I sat down and was just there...thinking. By the time I
snapped back into reality it was already 6:10 am. So i went inside and he was still
busy. I ended up not leaving until around 8 >_<. And now I'm home, pretty much by myself.
Ok and girls HAHA, wow, what a horrible subject.
When I was 16 I got with my first gf, and man was she weird, I liked her tho. She was into
all sorts of weird stuff, crazy about harry potter too...
That didn't last long, then I got with my second, she was a little more mellow
we were together for a while, about 6-8 months. I was young and stupid, and this girl
came along, VERY pretty, and funny and we had alot in common, or so i thought. We broke
up and me and that girl got together. ALOT happened between us, and i found out she was
a jehovas' witness, that freaked me out. but she convinced me she only followed it because
her parents made her. We were so close that when she talked about marraige and kids, i
pretty much wanted them too...then one day she got into a car accident and everything
changed. At first we were alright, but she got more involved in her religion and made
comments such as "well, atleast if we go to hell, we can go together..."
What can you say to that?? We drifted apart and she ended up breaking up with me.
I was crushed but i had just started at my overnight job so it kept my mind off of it.
Then me and Sam, a girl I worked with at my last job, started talking, we hit it off big
time, it was crazy. When we got together we'd hang out every chance we could. I would go
to her house every sunday to just be with her and watch movies. But as time went on, the
job started wearing me out. I was so tired every day that our time together became
ONLY sundays, and sometimes i would fall asleep. I couldn't help how i was, everything was
weighing me down. Job, family, lack of sleep. It was a really bad time to be in a serious
relationship. Eventually after a year and about 2 months, she broke up with me. I
really didn't know what to do, but I wasn't exactly sad about it. But there was this girl
I had liked her even before i really met sam. but she had a boyfriend and i didn't
want to start anything. but now she started talking to me more, and i sort of figured
she liked me, well i tried to make it clear that i liked her too, but i didn't want
her to think she was my rebound girl, so i took it slow, and i regret that...
because the night before valentines day, she went to a party, got drunk and made out
with her best friend. she then told me she didn't like me anymore. Now that really
confused and hurt me. the next 2 days were pretty bad. but on the day after valentines
day, i went to see her, to tell her i had fallen in love with her.
I decided not to tell her but she ended up asking me if i loved her, it caught
me off guard and all i could do was motion with two of my fingers the sign for
"a lil bit" she immediately sunk her head low and when she looked up she was crying
I didn't want to see her cry ever, Because i really did love her. So i wiped her tears
away and asked why she was crying. She then told me that i should have spoken up sooner
And i wish i had. The next moment happened so quickly that i can barely remember it all.
she sat across my legs while i sat in the driver seat of my car and we just stared into
eachothers eyes, and talked for a bit. She just suddenly said "wait I need to see something"
and I, being the idiot that i am, thought she said "say something" so there i was
waiting for words, and she just kissed me, just like that, it was the greatest kiss
I had ever had. the night ended about 10 minutes later and she kissed me one last time
before she left me car.
I was ecstatic!!! I went to work straight from her house and I was bouncing off the walls!
I thought my dream was coming true. I had asked her if i could come see her the next morning
so as soon as i got off i went on my search for flowers for her, I bought her Neon green
flowers since that's her favorite color, she loved them, i made her close her eyes and
when she opened them, there they were, just for her. If i could only see her face again =).
the day went great after that, we sat in my car watching her little laptop with my hoodie
covering us so the glare wouldnt bother us lol. i kissed her again for the first time
that day while we were watching movies. and the rest of the day went that way.
Kisses and hugs and movies and alot of other things. When i dropped her off she told me
she was going to tell her best friend she couldn't be with him, and i walked her to her
door, she gave me the warmest hug i ever had and a little kiss and told me "i'll call you
before you go to work" i left her house with the greatest feeling a person can have, that
feeling that someone wants you. but the second i got home she called me. she said she had
talked to her other friend and decided she needs a week away from both of us to decide
what's right for her, i cared about her so much that i didn't fight it, i needed to
know that she wanted me as much as i wanted her, and i was sure she would pick me.
but that night at work, she didn't call me, she texted me that she was making her choice,
and it might not be right and she might be messing up big time, but we couldn't see eachother
anymore.
I could barely breathe the rest of the night, i was actually sick to my stomach,
to think something was going to go the way you REALLY wanted it to, and then change?
that suddenly? it was insane.
she made her choice and she still stands by it. But whenever i think about her i always
think of this one night, we drove to a park at 9 at night and watched a movie on her
laptop together, it was the perfect night. it was raining and we were cold so we snuggled
up together, if i had kissed her then, maybe everything would be different....maybe....


Since then I havn't really talked to any girls. I'm pretty much on a break.
I'm focusing on school and doing things i usually don't have time for. I'm pretty much
over any heartbreak I've suffered, and now i'm just neutral, but a little lonely.
Anyway this was just something to get you guys into my head a little, i'm not used to
blogs but i assume you want to know a little about who's writing them.
maybe all my poems or my thoughts won't be so confusing to some now.

Stranded

To climb this mountain i needed a partner

I searched and searched but i just couldn't find her

I tried other ones but they just didnt match

But then i found one and oh boy what a catch!!

She helped me through the long dirty road

Up the slopes that i had slipped and rode

We climbed so high i could barely look down!

And we sat the edge while we both layed down

As cold as it got she always kept me warm, with the kisses on our noses, we felt butterflies swarm!!

So we climbed ever higher and hugged as we went, because it seemed like seperating was was never amidst

But then the day came where i lost all my options

She left me there and never came back

Stranded on this mountain with love holding me back

But before she left she hugged me and said, i'll see you later, and kissed me again

Was that just a lie? or did she get lost along the way?

I hope she comes back everyday that i pray

But here i am, so close to the top but so far down

I'm afraid that never again will my feet touch the ground

Because she so did save me the day that she came

And ruined my life the day she went away

And so i sit, on this cold lonely cliff, wondering if jumping is the only way to quit

Because i don't know if its the cold or the pain

But this love just doesn't seem like it will fade away

But i'll still be here, perched on this mountain, waiting for her to finish what we started

The trip was only two days before she went away

But to base a decision so quickly is wrong either way

She picked another climber to help seal his fate, though she's known him longer, was that the only reason she didn't stay?

Didn't what we had mean so much more? in a small span of time it was, so she just chose to ignore

But like she once told me, there IS love at first sight, and when i told her the truth, she grabbed me tight

She took the rope, and yelled lets go!

Because she knew we shouldn't climb the mountain slow

We needed to act fast, so she could see all the signs, and when we were halfway up

She seemed to be fine, i held her so closely she would close her eyes, and i'd kiss her gently and hear her just sigh

Giggles and dancing and always romancing, wow! i've never been on such a fun mountain!

I can see her now, she's helping another climb his mountain

It was true love she now denies, no one knows how long it will last once they reach the top

But my trip was forever, we could touch heaven once we hit the top!

Because my angel would be there, to always be there for me

And forever and ever, i would be there too, I would always have loved her, and sadly i still do

But what are his true intentions? will he stay with her there?

I had no intentions of leaving i swear!

I wanted to reach the top and i still very do, but only yes only, if i reach it with you

I see her there all happy but scared, because i know she regrets it her leaving me there

But I'll sit here and wait, just wait for the day

That one day my partner will come back and stay!

Because i love her so much, she helped me this far

And i would never have taken advantage of her like He did so far...

But i'll wait, yes wait, but it gets colder still

Because this mountain is much bigger than the one she now climbs


Because at the top was so much more to find..............

blog3

I had a friend that wasn't bad but didn't talk much and that made me sad

She tried to offer but i made her mad, because there was someone she wished i didn't have

It ended and i thought it was time for our relationship to expand

But the greatest thing ended before it began

I still love her with every ounce of my body, my thoughts can't get over this horrible day

The day i let my only one true love get away

But i shouldn't be sad, mad or crazy

Because today, i realized she doesn't hate me

And i love her so much i can't let her get away, even if it means only friends we stay =(

Because if the day ever comes that she needs me there, i'll speed over quickly and never be scared

Because she said she doesn't like me, but i know that's a fib, because fibbing comes easy

But the day she needs me i swear i'll be there, right next to her, stroking her hair

Because friends we were, and i want so much more!!! to love and grow old with the one i adore!!!

But that is just over, she said "we are so done" i thought it was fate, but my heart is now done

But now we are silent, she must make the first move

Because friends we will stay, the second she says a word

Because that was our plan, our dream, our promise

That no matter what happened we'd always care, and always be there

Right now i'm sad, but i know she'll make contact!!! because she still likes me, even only as friends

But yes i still love her, sadly i do, i can't get over this bump, because she was the true reason that my heart could thump

I missed my chance and i will always regret, everytime i see her, my blood will grow hot

Because no matter what happens, he's hers and i'm not.............=(

Inside my head i hear the pain


It falls toward my heart as if heavy rain


Always ending in my stomach so i can always know the shame


The shame of a lost opportunity to be happy again


To live as if I'm whole til my time ends


That day will not come because i let it be


The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me


I held my tongue for just a minute too late and now the love i felt towards me seems to be hate


Though i will never be mad and i will never place blame


I will always look in the mirror and bow my head in shame


For one minute may not be long but its just long enough to hear the song


The song that plays when love is placed within


But my heart plays no song it's now whithered and thin


I could never be mad at the cause of my pain for the one who caused it i will always think of the same


Beautiful and witty


Effortlessly pretty


Pajamas or dress she was never a mess


Always so perfect i could just sit and sigh


For the beauty my eyes witnessed was also matched inside


The day may never come where i will hold her again


The day i always dreamt of since i had turned ten


The perfect one for me, i may never sleep again!


As spontaneous as could be but as solid as steel


I'll never know how she truly did or does feel


But one day will come where she may see her mistake


The fact that i would love her so fiercely even though my heart she truly did break


If that day were to come i know i must be strong


I'm told to say no but i don't know if that's wrong


I love her too much, can't you see?


I love her so much i can barely breathe!


She would take all my thoughts all my pain and mistakes


And just like a goddess use her magical way


They would all disappear so quickly and clean


And leave only smiles for all those to see


But no one would see them well atleast not to me


Because when we were together.....




......It was just you and me

what a GARGANTUAN planet we live on...

So i'm quiet i guess, i don't really talk anymore, i'm always distracted and i really don't care about pretty much anything anymore...Life sux, everyone you care about will always disappoint you and you can never change the way someone will feel or think no matter how hard you try. people will say things, but they will never mean it. people will do things but they're always a lie. sometimes YOU will feel a certain way about something but it will go so very wrong and YOU JUST CANT FUKING CHANGE IT AND IT MAKES YOU SO FUKING MAD AT YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because it's your fault not theirs and you'll always blame youself. but thats how life goes, you're born, you're happy, you realize how heavy the world is, you find someone you like, they leave you, you find someone you love, and yet again you're abandoned. sometimes thats different, sometimes a person gets all they want in life, money, a dreamjob, to be in the one place in the world you'd only want to be. but some people get that one very special thing, the one thing anyone in the world would give all they have for...that one person in this world that would love you just as much as you love them, and oh man how you love them...that one person that'll make you think, "i wonder if there IS a fountain of youth...cuz i don't want this to ever end" but most people never find that person in this world, that one you want and need is just a little speck on this GARGANTUAN planet...but those are some of the lucky ones still. because for that small amount of people that actually do find that one person that they love, but don't love them back...they are the ones who never truely live. they try to find a reason, any reason to not think their "speck" is amazing...but there is no reason. because to them...that person has no flaw. they are perfect in every way, and that will never change. sometimes life doesn't go as you want, sometimes it seems so unfair that you just want to be alone and never be bothered. but that just isn't how it can go for anyone, you have to keep going, no matter how much it hurts or how if that one point in your life had been different, then EVERYTHING would be different. maybe you'd be happy, maybe you'd care. maybe you'd be with that person you love most, maybe you would have gotten married. maybe you'd have a kid, that now you'll never meet. maybe you would've been with that person for the rest of your life and your love would have only gotten stronger. maybe you'd have the most beautiful house on the block together with a garden with little mushrooms and neon green flowers everywhere!!! but it doesn't always end that way. somehow life got mixed up and that person thinks they love someone else, and it won't change, your life just turned out this way. why? you'll never know. what will you do about it? nothing, because it's too late. that's how it goes now, so just sit back, and dream about the happy ending.