My opening blog...

So I'm an overnight stocker at a huge chain of grocery stores. It's a crappy job
but it pays well. It's somewhat depressing but it has its moments. Very little human
interaction but everyone seems to know your name somehow...
Anyway, so i'm on my way to this place once again for another 8-10 hours of work,
And i always get that little feeling in the pit of my stomach, you know the one i'm
talking about, whenever i see the huge sign of the store. Walk in, go unstairs, sit down
until it's time to clock in and oh yeah, the fun starts. So last night was a little better
than usual, the most annoying stocker we have on our crew (aka our boss) was off, so my
brother was in charge, which kinda means i'm in charge too. So we gangbanged all the ailes
(just means our whole stock team worked together all night, stocker lingo >_<) and we
actually got off at 4:30 am, when we usually get off at like 9:00 am. Like i said my
brother was in charge, so he had to wait until 6:00 am for the manager to get there.
Unfortunately we carpool...so I went out to the employee parking lot to play some
basketball. After about 10 minutes I realized I couldn't stop thinking about...well...
everything...I think too much...and sometimes I don't really know how to stop it. This
was one of those times...so I sat down and was just there...thinking. By the time I
snapped back into reality it was already 6:10 am. So i went inside and he was still
busy. I ended up not leaving until around 8 >_<. And now I'm home, pretty much by myself.
Ok and girls HAHA, wow, what a horrible subject.
When I was 16 I got with my first gf, and man was she weird, I liked her tho. She was into
all sorts of weird stuff, crazy about harry potter too...
That didn't last long, then I got with my second, she was a little more mellow
we were together for a while, about 6-8 months. I was young and stupid, and this girl
came along, VERY pretty, and funny and we had alot in common, or so i thought. We broke
up and me and that girl got together. ALOT happened between us, and i found out she was
a jehovas' witness, that freaked me out. but she convinced me she only followed it because
her parents made her. We were so close that when she talked about marraige and kids, i
pretty much wanted them too...then one day she got into a car accident and everything
changed. At first we were alright, but she got more involved in her religion and made
comments such as "well, atleast if we go to hell, we can go together..."
What can you say to that?? We drifted apart and she ended up breaking up with me.
I was crushed but i had just started at my overnight job so it kept my mind off of it.
Then me and Sam, a girl I worked with at my last job, started talking, we hit it off big
time, it was crazy. When we got together we'd hang out every chance we could. I would go
to her house every sunday to just be with her and watch movies. But as time went on, the
job started wearing me out. I was so tired every day that our time together became
ONLY sundays, and sometimes i would fall asleep. I couldn't help how i was, everything was
weighing me down. Job, family, lack of sleep. It was a really bad time to be in a serious
relationship. Eventually after a year and about 2 months, she broke up with me. I
really didn't know what to do, but I wasn't exactly sad about it. But there was this girl
I had liked her even before i really met sam. but she had a boyfriend and i didn't
want to start anything. but now she started talking to me more, and i sort of figured
she liked me, well i tried to make it clear that i liked her too, but i didn't want
her to think she was my rebound girl, so i took it slow, and i regret that...
because the night before valentines day, she went to a party, got drunk and made out
with her best friend. she then told me she didn't like me anymore. Now that really
confused and hurt me. the next 2 days were pretty bad. but on the day after valentines
day, i went to see her, to tell her i had fallen in love with her.
I decided not to tell her but she ended up asking me if i loved her, it caught
me off guard and all i could do was motion with two of my fingers the sign for
"a lil bit" she immediately sunk her head low and when she looked up she was crying
I didn't want to see her cry ever, Because i really did love her. So i wiped her tears
away and asked why she was crying. She then told me that i should have spoken up sooner
And i wish i had. The next moment happened so quickly that i can barely remember it all.
she sat across my legs while i sat in the driver seat of my car and we just stared into
eachothers eyes, and talked for a bit. She just suddenly said "wait I need to see something"
and I, being the idiot that i am, thought she said "say something" so there i was
waiting for words, and she just kissed me, just like that, it was the greatest kiss
I had ever had. the night ended about 10 minutes later and she kissed me one last time
before she left me car.
I was ecstatic!!! I went to work straight from her house and I was bouncing off the walls!
I thought my dream was coming true. I had asked her if i could come see her the next morning
so as soon as i got off i went on my search for flowers for her, I bought her Neon green
flowers since that's her favorite color, she loved them, i made her close her eyes and
when she opened them, there they were, just for her. If i could only see her face again =).
the day went great after that, we sat in my car watching her little laptop with my hoodie
covering us so the glare wouldnt bother us lol. i kissed her again for the first time
that day while we were watching movies. and the rest of the day went that way.
Kisses and hugs and movies and alot of other things. When i dropped her off she told me
she was going to tell her best friend she couldn't be with him, and i walked her to her
door, she gave me the warmest hug i ever had and a little kiss and told me "i'll call you
before you go to work" i left her house with the greatest feeling a person can have, that
feeling that someone wants you. but the second i got home she called me. she said she had
talked to her other friend and decided she needs a week away from both of us to decide
what's right for her, i cared about her so much that i didn't fight it, i needed to
know that she wanted me as much as i wanted her, and i was sure she would pick me.
but that night at work, she didn't call me, she texted me that she was making her choice,
and it might not be right and she might be messing up big time, but we couldn't see eachother
anymore.
I could barely breathe the rest of the night, i was actually sick to my stomach,
to think something was going to go the way you REALLY wanted it to, and then change?
that suddenly? it was insane.
she made her choice and she still stands by it. But whenever i think about her i always
think of this one night, we drove to a park at 9 at night and watched a movie on her
laptop together, it was the perfect night. it was raining and we were cold so we snuggled
up together, if i had kissed her then, maybe everything would be different....maybe....


Since then I havn't really talked to any girls. I'm pretty much on a break.
I'm focusing on school and doing things i usually don't have time for. I'm pretty much
over any heartbreak I've suffered, and now i'm just neutral, but a little lonely.
Anyway this was just something to get you guys into my head a little, i'm not used to
blogs but i assume you want to know a little about who's writing them.
maybe all my poems or my thoughts won't be so confusing to some now.